Still Looking for Prince Charming? Keep Looking!

Summary: Between Disney and Hollywood, it is difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to find a man with whom we can share a meaningful, committed, healthy, and mutual-beneficial relationship with…on a long-term basis. Does “happily ever after” really exist?

Shall I begin with a confession? I am a 27-year-old single-never-been-married-woman. And as I sit here at work typing this article, I am left to examine my life and its direction. I have graduated college. I have started up my own business, and I’m now helping my best friend start one of her own. I have “real job” – full-time with complete benefits. On the surface, it would seem that I have everything going for me. Alas, when I think of what I have not yet accomplished, particularly in the relationship department I am forced to take inventory of my life, and my self, in attempts to answer this one burning question that my friends ask me on a daily basis – Why hasn’t some wonderful Prince Charming come in and sweep you away yet? You’re such an amazing person? Why aren’t you married yet? Don’t you want to get married, Danielle? (Gee, if I knew the answer to that question I wouldn’t have nightmares of becoming an old maid whose only companion is an army of cats, and is thus forced to trade in her sanity for mastering a similitude of intellectual conversation in the form of various meows and purrs!) The truth is that I do want to get married. I think I would be good at an eternal companionship with a man with who similarly-held values of religion and education, mutual respect, and healthy intimacy can blossom and flourish. That being said, however, I don’t have a fairy godmother that will, at the arbitrary wave of her magic wand, squelch my single-hood with the appearance of a perfect man. If it were as simple as singing or losing my shoe to net Prince Charming then, by all means, I would not hesitate. Ah, but therein lies my dilemma. Between Disney and Hollywood, it is difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to find a man with whom I (or any woman) can share a meaningful, committed and long-term relationship. Hence, I pose the put the following question out into the cosmos – Does happily ever after even exist? Or is that a fallacy fancily formed by the executives at Disney?

Fortunately, I am optimist. Okay, the truth is that my best friend is the perpetual optimist, whereas I am a pseudo optimist that is often plagued by episodic skepticism. While I do believe that there are marriages that, despite the tests of time, can flourish in happiness and bring forth immeasurable amount of joy. Now, this is not to ignore the fact that marriage, as with any meaningful relationship, requires a constant effort on the part of both husband and wife. To anyone who squirms or shutters at such a thought, may I kindly suggest that any worthwhile endeavor requires an earnest, honest, and diligent investment of time, energy and effort? In other words, love is work. And I am willing to work for love. Problematic, however, is that my perception of the so-called “right one” is, more or less, distorted. Growing up, I, like many girls, fantasized about Prince Charming. Now, as an adult, I realize that if I insist on searching for Prince Charming, I can resolve to continue searching and thus die alone. The bottom-line there is no such thing as a Prince Charming. Men are human beings. And thank goodness for that! Personally, I am on a constant-every-second-of-the-day journey toward improving myself; working tenaciously to transform my weaknesses into strengths, and, in turn, become the best version of myself so that I may bless my friends, my community, and my fellowmen. (Pun intended). In all honesty, aren’t we all struggling to grow and improve? Aren’t we all striving for eternal bliss and peace? So, if we are all rowing feverishly along the same tumultuous tides of life, let us row together by realizing there is no such thing as Prince Charming (or Princess Charming); no perfect people, rather imperfect people working toward becoming the best version of ourselves. We are all in the same boat. And, frankly, I much prefer to row as a team, than alone. That established, are there any decent, honest, hard-working, intelligent, compassionate men out there looking for an equally contributing and compatible partner who is in it for the long haul? How does a single woman, who has been brainwashed by unrealistic ideals of what constitutes “true love”, find real love.

So as to not put the cart before the horse, if you will, real love begins with healthy relationships and healthy relationships begin with mature dating. Mature dating assumes that two individuals with a healthy self actualization are drawn together yes, perhaps, by an initial physical attraction or chemistry, but moreover by an interest in learning more about the other person and their life–”what makes them tick”. Above all, mature dating is, first and foremost, based on respect that leads to a genuine friendship. Friendship is an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship, for through friendship sincere care, concern, compassion develops which, in turn, breeds the seeds of real love–not infatuation or merely the “love of the idea of someone”, but real love, which includes recognizing another’s limitations and idiosyncrasies but maximizing and celebrating each others strengths and gifts. When I consider the unconditional love my buddy and I have for each other; that our friendship is truly based a genuine care, concern, and love for the other person and how that friendship has endured despite our differences and despite trials that we have faced individually and collectively–I see that a similar such commitment (though in a different form and context) ought to be present in any man from whom I would accept a marriage proposal, much less consider engaging in a serious relationship with. I often joke to myself, “If only I could find the male version of my best friend!”

Now that we have established its crucial function and purpose, especially with regard to finding real love, let us examine the following components of healthy relationships. Simply put, a healthy relationship includes open, honest two-way communication, mutual respect, and trust. It cannot be over-stated; trust is an absolutely essential, vital part of any healthy relationship. If you cannot trust another person, how can they ever be expected to trust you? After all, you have yet to invest yourself, completely and honestly, into the relationship. Similarly, you must trust yourself and your own capacity to be a positively contributing member of the relationship in order to fully invest that trust in the other person. Love without trust is not love. It is, rather, an acute form of infatuation parading itself, falsely, as love. You cannot love someone completely, without investing yourself into the relationship completely, and trust.

The experts at the Center for Young Women’s Health in Boston put it this way:

“Healthy relationships are about feeling good about who you are and feeling SAFE with another person,” says Phaebra Thomas. Thomas, a registered nurse and counselor, continues “By getting to know yourself and who you are, it will get easier to recognize the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Communication, trust and respect are the key ingredients for healthy relationships.” With that, she, along with colleague Moira Traci, has compiled a checklist for identifying healthy relationships, particularly with regards to mature dating. Following my rendition of that checklist:

<u>How to determine whether or not you are in a Healthy Relationship?</u>

• You are comfortable with who you are, and feel safe with the other person. This includes trusting each other to keep confidences, to communicate openly and freely, and a willingness to work out problems and/or discuss concerns together.

• An equal amount of give and take is present in the relationship. In unhealthy relationships, there is an unfair balance. If there is a feeling that you are giving a considerably disproportionate amount of attention, time, and service; that you giving the other person more attention than they give to you, this good be an indicator of an unresolved, underlying problem. In a healthy relationship, both parties enjoy spend time with the other person. Furthermore, in a healthy relationship, there is a respect for one another’s space, interests, commitments, and traditions.

• There is a genuine respect, care, and concern for each other–a desire to serve. This includes a willingness to listen, to take a sincere interest in the other person’s life, a willingness to support each other in times of crisis, and a commitment to uplifting and celebrating each others victories. Remember, just as jealousy is not an admirable quality, jealously and possessiveness does not belong in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is comprised to two independent individuals who choose to share their life inter-dependently.

In sum, as we all strive to form and maintain meaningful relationships with each other; to meet and marry someone we love, respect, admire, and trust, and thus share a life of love and happiness with, it is important to keep in mind that we must first work on ourselves–work on our perception of love and being willing to work for it and at it. So, to that, I say so long Prince Charming. And hello to my future husband! (Wherever he is, he better be working just as hard as I am at locating his whereabouts!)

About the AuthorAuthor Bio: Danielle White is a client account specialist for 10xMarketing, which represents Heavenly Matched, a premiere provider of quality dating and relationship services. Heavenly Matched provides information and tools on mature dating, how to find <a href=”http://www.heavenlymatched.com/serious_relationships/love_and_happ